I walk the streets alone. You don’t see me. You never do. My name you never call. I walk in darkness. You never see me. Did you ever see me?
Walk Alone
mental illness
Friendship
I wrote this several years ago, but it still rings true today. If I could give you nothing but my friendship, who would be my friend? Circumstances have changed since I wrote this, but the bottom line is still the same.
If all you offered was friendship, who could you still call your friend?   When I was little, my mother told me if you could count on your hand five good friends you are a wealthy person. I have this need to want everyone to like me. I kept giving things to others to make them happy, but never thinking of myself. My own self-worth was based on how many friends I had, but were they truly my friends?Â
So, then I ask you, what does it mean to be a friend? If the only thing I offered is my friendship, who will still be your friend?Â
I realized this over this past week. You see, my friends and I ran a roleplay group on Facebook. For those of you who don’t know, a roleplay group is when you write as a particular character. You create plots with your friends and think as your character thinks. I loved it. It helped me become a better writer and helped me work out different ideas for stories. It’s hard to keep a fake life up when your real life is too busy. So, after 3 years, we have closed the doors to this group. Being an admin, writing plots for people, and regulating the group was becoming a burden when it used to be for fun.
Each one of us was afraid to speak about it. We thought we would let the other admins down if we confessed this.  Having a full-time job, three kids, and keeping the group was overwhelming. My kids are in sports, scouts and still need help with their homework. Others on the admin team were busy with school and work and were thinking of leaving. The team moved on and created something smaller. Something that will be easier to manage.Â
We had the group for 3 years. Do you still consider me a friend when I do not have a group to offer you? When friendship is all, I can offer you, will you still be my friend?Â
Always
Always asking if I did it right Always worried about how others see me. Always correcting to make everyone happy. Do you like what I did there? Do I need to change it? Do you like how I wrote that? The rejection, The anticipation, The need to be the best. When will I be enough? When will I be good enough? When will criticism not get to me?
Disheartening
This little voice inside of me keeps, Telling me that I am not good enough. When you think you are good at something, Only to find that you aren’t that good. It is disheartening. Criticism is hard to accept. A thick skin I need and do not have. I often ask if I am good enough, But I don’t think I will ever know.
When is Enough, Enough?
When is enough, enough? When do you give up? How long do you wait and try to fix something you never knew was broken? How do you go on knowing there is a problem and not knowing how to fix it? What do you do when you don’t know what’s wrong? What do you do when they won’t tell you what’s wrong? The anger, the frustration, the self-doubt grows, it never fades away. The disbelief, the distrust, the longing for answers, never goes away. What did I do wrong? Where did I go wrong? So many leave, but is it all because of me? How many should we have in our lives? Is it just the progress of life? People coming and going in and out? Am I the only one affected by this? Am I the only one who cries for those who have left? Is there anyone left to cry for me?
Check out Nancy’s newest books:
What’s Wrong With Me?
It is my life, to be the person no one notices. The person they forget. Before you know it you realize, They were never your friends. It seems like when you think things are okay, They truly are not. How can you trust anyone, When everyone is lying. What have I done wrong? What is wrong with me? Do I push people away? Am I not a good friend? Do I deserve to be alone?
Loser
I am the one that everyone forgets. They say they don't, but they do. They say we missed you But they don't talk to me. As soon as I come in, everything stops. Am I a killjoy? Do they just say they miss me because that's what they are supposed to say? How do you know someone is genuine? Because I just feel completely useless and forgotten. And if I didn't talk to them for weeks on end, it wouldn't matter. I'm an outsider watching them. I'm a loser sitting by myself. And I don't know what to do.
Check out Nancy’s new book:
Nothing is Working
Check out her new book:Â https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09YYKHG6S
We all see the posts of Facebook of parents who talk about their perfect kids… Meanwhile my house is a zoo. They are not bad kids. They just helped my neighbor find a lost cat, They helped people shovel out from the snow (not for money, just to help), but sometimes I wonder if what I say matters to them. Of course people only put the positive on social media, but for all those parents out there who wonder why nothing works, you are not alone.
Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. I pace back and forth outside in the cold. Back and forth trying to calm myself. I know I shouldn’t have shouted, but nothing is working. My throat hurts and I sit outside thinking of what I could have done better. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Wondering what I said wrong and why they aren’t listening. Nothing is working, maybe it's me. Am I a bad mom? Why don’t they care about each other, about their grades, about anything? What is wrong with his generation? Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters. Nothing is working. Nothing I say matters.
Jealously
I wish you spent time with me.
I wish mine as just as good as theirs.
Is there something wrong with me?
Is this what jealousy looks like?
Why is it hidden?
Hidden away so I would never know.
Should I forget, forget seeing it?
Or just accept that I am not good enough?
New Book Annoucement
What an exciting month for Nancy Ann. She has a new book of prose, poetry and short stories just published called Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind. Nancy Ann’s Publisher here, Pandora’s Order Publications LLC. We are so happy to have Nancy Ann on board as one of our newest writers. This is the first book she is publishing with us and we could not be more ecstatic.
Ramblings of a Chaotic Mind explores everything from birth to loss, love to friendship, stories and so much more. It is a book that will give you hours of enjoyment and is here just in time for the end of National Poetry Month. Pick up your copy today at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09YM6SYFH You won’t be sorry.
The emotions poured into this book will jump off the pages right into your heart. Pick up your copy today. You won’t regret it.
Aingealicia McKitrick
Pandora’s Order LLC
