As much as I give, I lose. As much as I care, they don’t. How do you know how important you are? Do I think more of you than you think of me? I am hopeless and alone, always and forever As much as I help, it’s never enough. As much as I love, I hurt. I am not important and never have been. To those I care about, they care little for me. I am hopeless and alone, always and forever. I am the one who gets tossed aside, forgotten each time. A new thing comes along.
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Ever since my mother died when I was eleven years old, I wanted to be a mom. She was an amazing and inspiring woman. I hope to one day be half the woman she was.
I didn’t get married to have a baby. I didn’t try to have a family until we were 5 years into our marriage. It gave us the opportunity to spend time together and learn each other on a deeper level.
When Devin said he was ready to be a dad, I was excited. I wanted to make a doctor’s appointment to ensure I was healthy enough to bear a child.
We discussed plans surrounding the baby’s arrival and dreamt sweetly about name options. The thoughts were beautiful. We were ready for this next phase in our lives.
I figured I’d become pregnant immediately, but it did not happen that way. We created a calendar so I could record the basal temperature readings from my ovulation tests along with my ovulation and menstrual cycles. Unfortunately, it became more expensive than we had anticipated it would be.
“Stop buying these tests. We don’t have enough money for you to keep doing this,” Devin kept telling me. “It will happen when God wants it to happen.”
Although I didn’t give up, I didn’t expect to become pregnant. I was frustrated because I thought God wanted me to be a mom. Was something wrong with me? Had I been wrong?
I tested regularly without seeing the results I hoped for. When we first tried to have a baby, I took the pregnancy test before I missed my menstrual cycle. I was so anxious that I circled the earliest dates on my calendar when I could expect the most accurate testing results.
After months of negative outcomes, I gave up on the idea of having a child. I know of women who tried for years without ever becoming pregnant. In comparison, I had not been trying for a long time, but I was still frustrated with the process and the absence of a child.
I went to my doctor for a regular checkup who had become pregnant after enduring a struggle very similar to my own. She was now five months pregnant and thought she should offer her advice.
“Get an ovulation tester. Sperm can live up to five days in the uterus, so it’s good to have sperm in there before you ovulate. The younger the sperm are, the stronger they are. But once the egg drops, you only have twelve hours to fertilize it before it deteriorates.”
Our conversation helped me tremendously. I had been misusing the testers. I thought I should have been indulging in sexual intercourse once I started to ovulate, but that was extremely far from the truth. Starting a few days before I ovulated would increase my chance of becoming pregnant. Once the egg dropped, I would have a supply of sperm waiting for it.
I had always been amazed at how people struck gold on their first try. But, as Devin said, “It will happen in God’s time, not ours.”
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What do you want from a good friend? What do you expect from a good friend? A friend should always have your back. A friend should stand by you and support you. However, a good friend will support you, They will also tell you when you are wrong. They call you out and give you advice, Even if it’s not what you want to hear. Good friends should be treasured. Good friends are hard to find. Don’t be angry with them for telling you the truth. Be thankful for they are the only ones who truly care.
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Some might say I’m mean. Some might say I’m loud. People will say anything to hurt you. They will make you question who you are, And what you stand for. They say you’re the mean one. You might be loud and yell. You might scream and curse, But sometimes you need to. You need to yell, scream, fight! You need to be loud! They may think you are being mean, but who cares! When people are bullied, tormented, and wronged. You have to stand up! You have to give them a voice when they have none. You have to yell, scream, and fight! You have to stand up! You have to give them a voice when they have none.
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I hang on longer than most. My hands will bleed, blisters will form. Scraps and cuts do not bother me. But once I am done, I will not go back. My skin is torn, there is blood on my shirt. My grip is tight, it strains my arms. I call out for help, as the grip loosens. But once I am done, I will not return. It might take several times, it might take years. The scars will heal, the blisters fade, but the memory lives on. I hold on again, but I do not stay long. But once I am done, there is not going back, I hung on longer than you did. My hands bleed and the blisters broke, But once that branch breaks, I am done. You can only hang on to people for so long. Before you lose your grip. You look at your hands and remember how pretty they were, Before the blood, scars and blisters. You remember how happy you were once, And you know it is time to move on.
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I am the one that everyone forgets. They say they don't, but they do. They say we missed you But they don't talk to me. As soon as I come in, everything stops. Am I a killjoy? Do they just say they miss me because that's what they are supposed to say? How do you know someone is genuine? Because I just feel completely useless and forgotten. And if I didn't talk to them for weeks on end, it wouldn't matter. I'm an outsider watching them. I'm a loser sitting by myself. And I don't know what to do.
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It eats away at your soul. First you think it’s all a joke, Then they make you wonder. Is it a joke? The taunts eat at you, over and over again Until you are a shell of what you once were. You question it all and run and hide away. It eats away at your heart. The harsh words said in jest. They make you wonder? Are they real or folly? Until you are a shell of what you once were.
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Chapter 1 The Great War
Many years ago, darkness tore apart the worlds. They called it the Great War, for it was massive and involved all the realms of each world. Enemies on either side grew their armies for battle with heavy casualties. New allies formed out of this bloodshed while old ones crumbled.Â
The world of the Faye changed forever as their king descended into madness. His name was Julian. He once was a loving ruler, but those times were long gone. The pages written of him now are full of rage, blood, and hatred. Hatred for his children who grew to love others and revolt against him and his rule. Hatred for his wife, who fled with his children and hatred for all the realms that were not under his rule. Julian needed his children because they were powerful. Each one controlled one of the four elements: wind, water, earth, and fire. Even though his children hated what he had become, they remembered the good in him and were perhaps the only ones besides their mother who did.
Marius, the leader of the vampires and Jonathan, the ruler of The Shadow Realm, fought alongside Julian, but they did not trust him. Each of these three men was scheming against each other as they all wanted to come out the victor.Â
Jonathan had many plans and plots forming in his head, but they all revolved around Maeve. Maeve was a fairy, but she lived in a quiet world. The one world that was protected from the Great War. Jonathan didn’t care what Julian or Marius did as long as it didn’t inter- fere with his plan but interfere was what they did best. Jonathan had great plans for Maeve and her family, but he knew little of her connections to Julian’s family.
The Great War might have been over, but another one was looming in the distance, and it all began with a lonely mother named Maeve.
Why do I speak? Why do I speak up when my words hurt others? Is it better to be meek and quiet and stay away? Is it better to just let things go and move on? All I want to do right now is hide, but the pain is too much. I hide but then in that hiding there is so much pain. I don’t want to hide but I can’t deal. I can’t handle the arguments and rejection So I pull myself away and hide though I cry. When I speak, I am loud and brash. I say what I mean. When I speak people become upset. They lash out of they lash out on themselves Blaming themselves instead of fixing what’s wrong. Then they turned it on me once again and I hid. Should I face them, what good will come of that. Facing someone leads to more problems but the problems I have are within me and not you. I can only take so much before I speak. I can only be so quiet before I say something. And it's in that saying something that these issues come out. Nothing is fixed, it's only me and me alone who has the issues. All else falls to the side as I hide.
Lost in a drift. Out to sea. On my own. It’s where I am meant to be. I float aimlessly, On my own. Lost in a world, A shadow over all. People look on, They wave as I float on. But no one stops to pull, Me from the water. I drift on. Some will say The water is only, In my mind. Some will swear they called. Out to me. But in the end. All is silent.
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