Some holidays are harder than others. This one seems the hardest. I feel alone and scared. I turn 42 on Sunday, The age my mother died. I am frightened, alone and scared. I don't need constant reassurances, Most of the time. But this weekend seems especially hard. I want to be surrounded by family but There is no one. My kids and I eating alone, as we have Done for so many years. But this year is the hardest by far. 
I watch the hours tick by,  Waiting to hear from you.  Your soothing voice,  Comforts my soul.  The hours feel like an eternity,  Without you here. Endless it seems.  Time drags on as I wait to hear from you.  Now you are here, and time speeds up.  Once you leave, and I will go back to waiting,  Time stands still as I wish you were here.  Longing to feel your warm embrace.  Longing to hear your voice and share your sweet smile.  The houses once again tick by slowly till we meet again. Â
Everyone leaves. They find someone better and then they leave.  Why do I worry so much? Why do I care what you do? Do you think I will be there to help you when it all falls apart? Is this my job to pick up the pieces when you fall? You put your faith in others but then want me to have faith in you? You didn’t think of me and impulsively act. You push me aside and only think of yourself.  You never think of me. You never think! Everyone leaves. They find someone better and then they leave.  Why do I worry so much? Why do I care what you do? Do you think I will be there to help you when it all falls apart? How can I have faith in someone like you?  Will I be alone my entire life and think of myself? You never think of me! Everyone leaves. They find someone better and then they leave.  Why do I worry so much? Why do I care what you do? Do you think I will be there to help you when it all falls apart? How can I have faith in someone like you? Will I be alone my entire life? Do I forgive and move on? Everyone leaves. They find someone better and then they leave.  Why do I worry so much? Why do I care what you do? Do you think I will be there to help you when it all falls apart? Will you come running back to me? Asking for another chance? Asking for love and faith For you just to leave again. Why should I care what you do and how you do it? Why does this still matter to me? Why do you matter? Everyone leaves. They find someone better and then they leave.  Why do I worry so much? Why do I care what you do? Do you think I will be there to help you when it all falls apart? My heart can only take so much. Hurt so many times, How do I heal from it? Everyone leaves. They find someone better and then they leave.  Why do I worry so much? Why do I care what you do? Do you think I will be there to help you when it all falls apart? Will everyone leave? Do I even bother starting again? Don’t get to be happy?Â
My head won’t be quiet Spinning and running it never stops Songs playing at the same time Thoughts of the day and days before Memories keeping me awake Plaquing my existence Be still my soul Be still and sleep Sitting up in bed while everyone sleeps Wondering when it will be my turn When will the voices cease and I can rest? Replaying events of the past Wishing they were different; Wishing I could change. Be still my soul Be still and sleep Be still and hear God Block all else out and only hear Him. Pacing back and forth And rocking The noises never stop Pieces of songs, bits of advice Filling my mind keeping me awake Be still my soul Be still and sleep Be still my soul Be still and rest Block all the noise out And only hear God’s voice Be still and only hear him Block all else out and only hear him He is calling to you!
How do I tell, you are worthy? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are worthy. You are worthy. How do I tell you; you are worthy? You are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are worthy! God knows you are worthy. You can do anything to take away From the love God has for you. You are worthy; He knows you're worthy. God says you are worthy, you are worthy. The Lord of light created you, and you are worthy, Worthy, Worthy Let the light of your face shine on the world. Because you are worthy. Worthy Show the world the love God has for you And they will see you are worthy, They will see that they are worthy Show them the love God has for them They will see they are worthy, You are worthy.
Relying on others is a hard thing.  Relying on them binds them to us.  It reminds them you needed them.  It reminds them you can't do it on your own.  That you needed help.  That you are a failure.  That you can't do it on your own.  But I am not alone.  I am not a failure.  My path differs from yours.  My path is my own and,  My vow is now to go it alone.   Rely on myself and myself alone.  For never will I feel the pain,  Of your scorn,  Of your judgment  Of your righteous opinions.  I will show you; I can do it.  I will show you I am not a failure.  My path might be different,  but my path is my own. Â
They Leave You Because no one really truly cares.   They hold on to you,  Until they no longer need you  And then they leave. Â
When will I learn,  To keep my mouth shut?  When will I learn,  That you don't want my opinion?  When will I learn,  That I really don't have friends?  When will I learn,  That it's only a matter of time before you leave?  When will I learn,  That you really don't care about me?  When will I learn,  To not let my self-doubt, rule my life?
I Can’t Handle It Why does it hurt when? Someone doesn't like you. Why do I care so much? People say it doesn't bother them. I say I can handle it, but in truth, I can't. I look at myself and wonder, What did I do wrong? Is it something about me, That makes them flee Why do I cry when I lose a friend? Why do I care so much for those who don't care for me? People say you are better off with them. I say I can handle it but in truth,  I can't. I look at myself and wonder, What did I do wrong? Is it something about me, That makes them flee? Why did it hurt when you left me? Why am I crying for someone who doesn't care? People say get over it, It is their loss and not yours. I say I can handle it. In truth, I am just a little girl alone, Crying, Wondering why? 
Look in the mirror  And see why no one is talking to you.  Look in the mirror   And see you are all alone.  Look in the mirror  And see the villain you are.  There you are waiting for the fallout.  Sitting at home waiting for the drama to commence.  Asking if people are crying, hurting or talking about you?  Again, and again the same old story,  But no one cares.  Look in the mirror  And see why no one is talking to you.  Look in the mirror   And see you are all alone.  Look in the mirror  And see the villain you are.  No one cares because you've done it so many times.  I wish you well,  But the pain you have caused others  Is too much to bear.  You push us away,  but want us to wallow in self-pity.  Pushing us aside,  So many times, I don't care!  Look in the mirror  And see why no one is talking to you.  Look in the mirror   And see you are all alone.  Look in the mirror  And see the villain you are.  I don't care what you think anymore!  We are not friends, never were.  You made people cry and question themselves!  That is not what friendship is about.  Sitting at home wondering where we are and who we are talking to!  But guess what?  We’re not talking about you.  You did it so many times,   That is, don't phase us anymore.  What I used to cry over;   The tears have all dried up.  Look in the mirror  And see why no one is talking to you.  Look in the mirror   And see you are all alone.  Look in the mirror  And see the villain you are.  No more compassion,  For someone like you.  You want to be gone from our lives,  Then be gone for those are your choices not ours.  You are a coward, and you don't care what you do to others.  No one needs a friend like that in their life.  Look in the mirror  And see why no one is talking to you.  Look in the mirror   And see you are all alone.  Look in the mirror  And see the villain you are.  You did this to yourself,  No one did this to you.  Be the one with no friends.  For this is the last time,  I waste a breath on you.  Look in the mirror  And see why no one is talking to you.  Look in the mirror   And see you are all alone.  Look in the mirror  And see the villain you are. Â
